How Often Do Women Over 60 Want Sex?

This question reaches me in a few different ways. Sometimes a woman asks it about herself, because she wants sex far less than she used to and wonders whether something is wrong with her. Sometimes she asks because she still wants it a great deal and wonders whether that's unusual at her age. Quite often it's a partner asking on her behalf. No study counts how many times a week women over 60 want sex. What the research does measure is how interested they are, and the answer is more interesting than the stereotype.

What the research shows

In 2018 the University of Michigan polled adults between 65 and 80 about sex. About half of the men described themselves as extremely or very interested in it. Among the women, it was about one in eight. Women were also less likely than men to be sexually active. That sounds like a simple story about women losing interest, but the same poll found that women were more likely than men to say they were very satisfied with their sex lives.

A University of Chicago study that interviewed about three thousand Americans between 57 and 85 fills in more of the picture. Low desire was the most common sexual problem women reported, followed by vaginal dryness. Only about one in five women had talked with a doctor about sex since turning 50. So a great many women are going through these changes without anyone ever raising the subject. If you'd like the numbers on how often couples actually have sex, I covered those in How Often Do Couples Over 60 Have Sex?

Wanting it less is not the same as not wanting it

That one in eight figure only counts women who said they were very or extremely interested. Many more said they were somewhat interested, and that difference matters. For a lot of women, and more so after menopause, desire stops arriving out of nowhere. It tends to show up once there is closeness, touch, and enough time. A woman who rarely thinks about sex during the day may still enjoy it very much when it happens. If you only count the moments she felt desire out of the blue, you would decide she never wants sex, and that's often not true.

What gets in the way

The first thing I ask about is pain. After menopause, lower estrogen leaves vaginal tissue thinner and drier, and sex can start to hurt. Nobody wants something that hurts. Many of the women I see don't have a desire problem at all. They have a pain problem, and their desire faded because of it. Lubricants and vaginal moisturizers help, and a doctor can prescribe vaginal estrogen when those aren't enough. Sex isn't supposed to hurt at any age.

Other things matter just as much. Medications for blood pressure and depression can lower desire. So can poor sleep, chronic pain, and years of caring for a parent or a spouse. The relationship matters too. It's hard to want someone you resent, or someone who only touches you when they want sex.

Then there is the plain question of having a partner. Women tend to outlive men, and many women over 60 are widowed or divorced. The Chicago researchers noted that the lack of a partner affects older women far more than older men. Some of the women who show up in surveys as not sexually active haven't lost interest. They're single.

When it's a problem and when it isn't

A national survey of more than thirty thousand American women found that sexual problems were most common in women over 65, and yet those women were the least likely to be distressed about them. That fits what I see. Low desire is only a problem if it bothers you or it's straining your relationship. If you're content, there is nothing to fix. If you miss wanting it, or the gap between you and your partner is causing hurt, that deserves attention.

If you want it more than you think you should

Some women tell me their interest went up in their sixties. The kids are grown, there's no fear of pregnancy, and there's finally time. There is nothing strange about that. A woman who wants sex at 70 is as normal as a woman who doesn't.

If your desire has changed and you'd like to understand why, or you and your partner want different things and can't talk about it without someone getting hurt, that's what I help with. It starts with a free 15 minute call with me directly. Sessions happen in my Maitland office or by video anywhere in Florida.